Category: Oppositional Defiance Disorder


This is an ongoing frustration for me being an NT dad & husband. I’m kind of old school in a lot of ways. Dealing with my kids is definitely something that I keep jumping back to my old ways of thinking, (before I found out my wife and kids were Aspie’s.) With.

It frustrates me having to explain everything I say to them. I’ve never liked having to explain my reasoning and motives for every little thing. Especially to kids. I mean I’m the dad right? Shouldn’t “Because I said so” be sufficient reason for a 9 year old?

And shouldn’t  “because I want to”, or “because that’s the way I’ve always done it” or “just because” be enough reason for why I do things? I’m a grown man after all…(my teenaged six pack of a stomach giving way to a man sized 3 liter of a stomach is proof enough of that right?)

But these are things I daily have to remind myself of. My kids and my wife want to and need to understand reasons and motives. They can’t just grin and go with it, because without understanding, they feel lost and sometimes adrift. And though we all feel that way sometimes, my wife and kids really are effected very differently when they feel like that.
This may seem strange to other NT’s and sometimes it may feel like Aspie’s are control freaks…but it’s not really true.  Sometimes it’s just that since their reasoning isn’t the same as ours, they feel extremely disconnected from us because they can’t understand why we’re doing what we’re doing and why.

This causes feelings of panic, anxiety, loneliness and isolation. And confusion! My kid can’t understand WHY he gets  recess taken away when he forgets to have us sign a paper. “But I did my homework assignments !” But getting that paper signed was an assignment too…”But it’s not LISTED as an assignment!” (Even my wife has problems with that one).

So every day I have to take a deep breath, even grit my teeth when necessary…and remember…it’s not insolence…it’s not defiance…it’s just them being them. ..the way they are…and though I would spare them the difficulties they are going to have of I could..I wouldn’t change them for anything.

It’s been a long time…I shouldn’t have left you…without a dope blog to step to…

SORRY!!!!  I wanted to open the blog with the statement “It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything here”…and the song “Make Them Clap to This” by Erik B and Rakim flashed across my head!! (Dangers of my AADD brain).

Anyway as you know my wonderful Aspie Wife delivered a wonderful baby boy (our 4th) amidst the usual drama which revolves around our lives. Mom is doing well and recovering from her Synthesis Pelvic Dysfunction with the help of this fantastic Chiropractor where we live (originally from Long Island NY), and plenty of bed rest, even though she keeps trying to over do it.

The labor went well with the use of an Epidural (the first time she’s used it), but the recovery time afterwards has been kind of insane. Despite all our repeated speaking to the doctors and nurses in the hospital regarding her paradoxical reactions to medication, they gave her Percocet, both before and after her delivery. Before she had the baby, we were regulating her intake at home and she was taking half a pill every 3-4 hours instead of the prescribed 1-2 tablets every 2-4 hours as needed. At first she was doing great on it. Then after the epidural, they increased her dosage at the hospital to a whole tablet every 3-4 hours. The day she came home, she continued that dosage, but almost immediately after started having EXTREME panic attacks. I’m talking about staying up till 3 am walking around the van in the parking spot in front of our house drinking a gallon of water, vomiting style panic attacks.

Well of course her being the Aspie minded individual she is, started researching the next day and lo and behold, found out that Percocet can cause panic attacks in those who are already prone to having them! Well my wife had severe panic and anxiety disorders earlier in her life, which we’ve told the doctors…AND I mentioned her reactions to the doctors and nurses at the hospital every chance I got. I’ve come to the conclusion that they just don’t know what these medications can do to people. That the sales reps from the drug companies don’t tell them, and they being the busy professionals they are, never get a chance to research it so they just don’t know before prescribing these meds. It’s the only scenario that makes any sense.

Anyway, we’ve more or less gotten through that stage as the meds left her system. The new baby is doing well, and I’ve had enough time on the books to take off till the end of next week to help her recover. It amazed me that the size of a newborn pamper is about the size of my smart phone!

Phone vs Pamper

I’ve been able to do SO much clean up in the house to get ready, although I still haven’t built up the strength to go into the Cave of Aspie-ness which is the boys room. it took me 3 days to clean out the baby’s room! (remember the a/c hasn’t been working up there all summer so it’s been throw it upstairs and I’ll deal with it later all summer).  The a/c STILL is not working but now at least once I go through the Aspie Cave with a blow torch and a light saber, I can get to the point where I can call someone to take a look at the a/c unit without being MORTIFIED about the state of the house.  I’ve been doing laundry for about a week and am finally at the end of the tunnel in that battle. I fixed the shower in the upstairs bathroom so the boys don’t have to use ours downstairs anymore (go me!) and I went  through the dark vortex which is our laundry room and you can actually walk in there again! I went through the linen closet and still have a large bin of crap to go through and decide what’s staying and what’s going to the laundry room …and I still have to go through my closet and drawers and throw about 80% of my crap away. Also MAJOR victory the Thomas the Train bed is GONE from my living room! I was finally able to get it upstairs and Tot’s asleep in it now! Let’s hope he lasts the whole night up there!

Luckily the boys all love their new brother, especially Tantrum Tot. However, we’ve hit a snag. (You just KNEW that was coming didn’t  you guys?) Tantrum Tot has become increasingly more and more difficult. His meltdowns are coming more frequently and he starts screaming and fighting me and his mother and brothers for the slightest provocations. He gets mad and starts throwing things around (with uncanny accuracy and strength for a 2 year old), and he’s been physically attacking us while screaming at the top of his lungs. The other day after picking him up from day care, we went through the drive through pharmacy (those are COOL, they don’t have those in NYC), and next thing I knew I was hit in the side of the head with his toy phone! He knocked my blue tooth device smack off my head! My wife of course busted out laughing even while in shock…thank GOD I wasn’t actually driving at the time!

This is what hit me on the side of the head!

This is what hit me on the side of the head!

The frequency and the intensity of these episodes is VERY concerning for us ESPECIALLY with an infant in the house. It’s been emotionally draining for both me and his mother. The boys don’t/can’t understand what is going on. A trusted Psychologist we know told us to physically restrain him during the more violent outbursts while verbally trying to soothe him. I had to do that the other night and it left him in tears being comforted by his mother and me near tears because I HATED to have to do that to him, but he was really getting out of control and his new brother was in the room and we had to act immediately to ensure Aspie Baby wasn’t hurt.

Today we had to take the Tot with us to Walmart to go grocery shopping since we don’t have a sitter anymore. We HAD to go to Walmart even though we both can’t stand that place…because it’s the only place where they have electric scooter/chairs my wife can use due to her pelvic issues. While he was well behaved for him, he still had a few tantrums (not meltdowns) and caused some more of the hair on my head to go gray. When we got home, even more meltdowns and another violent episode. I gotta tell you I’m getting very very concerned about this. They seem to be increasing and my emotional ability to process them is decreasing. If any of you could steer me towards any good articles on dealing with this I’d really appreciate it!

Anyway I’m going to go try and lay down in between feedings. I can’t wait till this one’s schedule is right!

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